


be good

by haogender



Series: rant fics [5]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Author Projecting, Autistic Character, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Emotional Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Manipulative Relationship, Mental Health Issues, Past Sexual Abuse, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, hes autistic coded, is it projecting when this is literally just me with vernons name plastered over, not mentioned explicitly tho, the biggest tw ever . nothing is explicit but please y’all take care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:22:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26075599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haogender/pseuds/haogender
Summary: trauma is weird. it’s weirder when you spend 7 years either pretending it never happened or downplaying it and then suddenly you’re 15 and locked in a room by your therapist of two years—huge tw for a lot of vague mental health shit, read tags
Series: rant fics [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1713940
Kudos: 13





	be good

**Author's Note:**

> srry it’s all over the place . i wrote most of this while i was locked in the room like a month or so ago so like . haha lets go Y’all ? but i cleaned it up a bit to make a little more sense. anyways this is my life so yeah i’m projecting 100%

vernon was 5.

he was 5, and it was okay and then it wasn’t because he was 5 and he couldn’t breathe. he couldn’t breathe and he pinched his skin so strongly he bled.

and then it was okay again. for a little.

then he was 8, and he cried and screamed until he couldn’t breathe again. he let a boy lock the door and call him words like  _ pretty _ and  _ good _ and vernon always wanted to be good. he didn’t like the way the boy said the words, but at least he was good.

and then he forgot about it for seven years.

but he needed to be good, smart, obedient. no fuss.

_ good boy, smart boy, he never speaks out of turn. _

and scared scared scared scared scared scared

always shaking, always sick, always terrified.

he turned 13 and got into a relationship- first real one. he felt sick half the time. he felt scared the other half. but he needed to obey. be good.

_ if you leave me i’ll kill myself _

_ i had a gun to my head just when you called _

_ you saved my life _

_ never leave me _

_ never leave me _

_ never leave me _

_ you did this to me _

_ you hurt me _

_ you’re killing me _

and then vernon left. and his entire friend group that he had found vanished, and he sat on his bed at 1am and filled a cup full of pills and grabbed a jug of water.

he was in the hospital for a week. the paper described as if he was just another patient sent in on an accidental overdose, not a 13 year old boy with scars running down his legs and a shaky voice and persistent nightmares.

he glared at the nurses a couple times before remember to be good. then he went home. the pretty lights he put up got taken down.

and it was okay because vernon needed to be okay because if vernon wasn’t okay he was bad bad bad bad bad bad

so vernon was good. he turned 14, and he dropped and wanted to vanish but he managed to make it.

he walked. walked, always walked. if he wasn’t moving he felt like he was dying.

he turned 15.

and then he couldn’t breathe again.

everything crashed. ten years, ten years, ten years? maybe, no? who? where.

everything shattering and vernon being told to sit still and sit quiet and be silent in a small empty room while his therapist talked to his dad.

and he couldn’t breathe and his chest ached and there was this pit, this dark pit within him.

sit still be quiet and don’t speak out of turn.

because vernon didn’t want to know what happened seven years ago anymore.

but it was all so–

_ do you know what happened next? _

_ so he was your friend? _

_ did he ever come back? _

_ did he ever do something similar? _

he wanted to stop thinking.

so he decided that he could.


End file.
